As many of you know, Fletcher broke his leg this summer and has been wearing a cast. He has less than two weeks left and I have been very pleased with how well he has done. There has been very little complaining this entire time. The fact that he has a waterproof cast and can swim has been a huge blessing.
For the most part, the cast hasn’t stopped him at all. But we have noticed that occasionally he will use the cast as an excuse that he can’t do something. Today I asked him to water the hanging baskets of flowers on our front porch.
He “tried” and then came in complaining that he couldn’t do it. Well, that’s one thing that I simply don’t accept. My children know that if they can calmly talk to me and tell me what they need help with, I’ll be glad to help. But comments such as “I can’t” (especially if they are accompanied by whining or crying) are not listened to at all. The more they cry about it and repeat that they can’t do it, the more I ignore them.
Once they calm down, I remind them that the correct response is something like, “Mom, I tried to water the plants, but I’m having trouble getting the water high enough to reach the basket. Can you please help me?” To which I quickly respond with assistance.
The issue of course is usually not, “I can’t…” but rather, “I won’t.” For instance, Fletcher was completely capable of watering the flowers today. The cast had nothing to do with it. He simply didn’t want to do it.
Jim has a saying that he uses with the children all the time. It goes like this:
“Believe you can. Believe you can’t. Either way you’re right.”
They get so frustrated by that saying because it perfectly reflects their attitudes and what they’re struggling with. They know that when “they can’t” they aren’t really trying and don’t want to believe that they can do it. They know perfectly well that if it is truly something beyond their abilities then we will help them. But they also know that I never assist with a simple “I can’t.” We simply do not tolerate it around here. We even have a jar that we all have to pay into when we say, “I can’t. “ It helps us to keep that phrase from sneaking into our everyday speech.
Remember that I’m reading The Success Principles? The other day I read a passage that perfectly explains why Jim and I react so strongly to the words “I can’t.” Jack Canfield (the author) says:
“If you are going to be successful in creating the life of your dreams, you have to believe that you are capable of making it happen. You have to believe you have the right stuff, that you are able to pull it off. You have to believe in yourself. Whether you call it self-esteem, self-confidence or self-assurance, it is a deep-seated belief that you have what it takes – the abilities, inner resources, talents and skills to create your desired results.
Believing in yourself is a choice. It is an attitude you develop over time. Although it helps if you had positive and supportive parents…. You must choose to believe that you can do anything you set your mind to – anything at all – because in fact, you can.”
It also helps that we believe the Bible when in Phillipians 4:13 it says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” We understand that although our abilities may not be adequate, Jesus can do things within and through us that more than compensate for our deficiencies.
My children are so capable and intelligent and I know that they can do anything they set their minds to. But the fact that their mom knows it is not enough. They need to know it, too. Because it’s their life to live, not mine.
As for me, I’ve always believed I can do anything I want to do. And if anybody tells me I can’t, that makes me believe it even more. One recent example is when we were trying to get funding for our new soap facility. The banker told me that I needed to realize that it might take me 8 years to build the soap room. I politely finished the meeting walked out, looked at Jim and said, “He doesn’t believe in us, we’re not meeting with him ever again.” That meeting was less than 6 months ago. Construction has begun and we’re expecting the soaproom to be completed in another 6 weeks.
What the banker said didn’t bother me in the least because I was saying “I can.” The fact that he was saying “I can’t” meant that he was not the right person for me to work with. I do not want to be surrounded by those kinds of people.
So if you find yourself (or those around you) saying “I can’t” too often, remember – “Believe you can. Believe you can’t. Either way you’re right”.
I’d love to hear if there are any challenges you’re facing right now and what it’s going to take to make you believe you can?
Great blog post! I too find myself unacceting to the childrens complaining of “I can’t” I have a small story to go along with this. When I was going through school I suffered terribly with reading. I was found to be basically blind as a bat in the 5th grade. I had lost many, many years of education to the fact that I could not see. My grades were bad and I was behind in reading and everthing else that went along with it. As I continued through school I saw special teachers to help me try to catch up. Reading and spelling has been a lifetime challenge to me. A few years after high school I decided I wanted to take classes to do medical transcription from home so that I could stay home with my children and help financially. I took a preacceptance class and failed. I was told I was not cut out for a job as an MT because my spelling and grammar skills were so poor. Well, I enrolled anyway because I knew that I could do it. And, I did! I passed my glasses with an A average, was hired before I even graduated and am still happily empolyed from home working for a great company. It has allowed me to stay home and homeschool the kids and work with our goat farm. Like you said – do it or don’t! Kristina – Gods Great Country Farm Lewiburg, TN
I really like that! “Believe you can. Believe you can’t. Either way you’re right.” Thanks for sharing! Congratulations on start of your new soap room!
I am working on the “I can’t VS I won’t” issue now. Wish us luck haha. Love following the progress of the new soap room! 🙂
I wish I had had that comment, “Believe you can. Believe you can’t. Either way you’re right.” when my kids were growing up. I always just ended up telling them, “We don’t say I can’t in this house. You can do anything you decide to do.” His is a much more succinct way of explaining the right mindset to anyone!
PJ, you must be a great Mom. I love the principles and beliefs you are passing down to your children. Very awe inspiring. I also don’t use the phrase ” I can’t”. It is too non productive. I am in the process of losing weight, 85 pounds so far. My goal is in sight. I CAN do it.
Definately believe in the quote “Believe you can. Believe you can’t. Either way you are right.”
Guiding our children to make choices that empower them is a FULL TIME JOB. Hang in their parents. Patience, love and guidance…..
My 3-year-old daughter is infamous for saying “I can’t” as an excuse to get out of doing something. For example, she’s busy playing with her toys in the den while I’m in the kitchen baking and slowly but surely the den is cluttered with everything she’s played with. I peek in on her from time to time to make sure she’s not getting herself into trouble. Usually by the time I’m finished baking, she’s ready for a taste, but as a rule she has to clean up before she can eat anything that I’ve baked, and this is when she says “I can’t mommy, I’m tired.” So, I reply back with “Oh, so then you must be too tired to eat what I baked.” She then quickly starts to clean up, but if she’s made too big of a mess, she’ll go back to saying “I can’t” with whining and or crying. She eventually calms down and asks me for help because she knows I don’t tolerate that type of behavior.
I just found out my mom has cancer
Not really anything big but dd is taking toddler/preschool ballet and tumbling classes this summer. This is her last week. She has gotten good with the “I can’t’s” when it comes to doing some of the things (mainly in tumbling). The first couple of times it annoyed me to no end! She finally stopped with the “I can’t’s” when she realized we weren’t buying it and confessed what the problem really was – she was scared! We have since explained to her that it is ok to be scared but you try it anyway and when you fall, you get back up and do it again! Unfortunately it came too late in the classes for it to much help this summer but hopefully in the fall we can get her in a real gymnastics and ballet class and she can continue!
I recently found myself saying that I can’t homeschool my oldest any longer (there were some major attitude/discipline issues going on). But after a short public school trial at the end of last year, and a short summer school one-on-one session with her, I’ve decided that we’re going to give it a go again this year. (She’s the oldest of 4). So now I’m finding myself saying, “I can do this!” and praying and praying and praying that it will come together.
Our challenge is that my Moms house flooded during tropical storm Debbie. She unfortunately does not have flood insurance. She does not live in a flood zone. She has been in this house for over 20 yrs. Her application to FEMA was denied saying there was no visible flood damage. We did not accept that. We did have a claim into her ins. so she could get the denial she needed and they said there was significant flood damage. We are appealing FEMA, Put in a formal complaint about the inspector because all he was worried about was if she had a t.v or radio in the house. He didn’t care that the base boards fell off the house smells like mold or other things. We did not accept his no we are pursuing this so she can get her house fixed. My mom has been through a roller coaster of negatives in her life. first her youngest son died at the age of 30 then 9 months later her husband my dad also died it has just been down hill but, we are trying to keep a positive outlook on life. She is now living with me until we can get her house fixed. I personally am loving it and so are my girls. I have to say that I have an amazing husband because he has embraced the whole thing. He loves my mom.
When the economy first tanked, we were challenged with loss of work and a community that seemed to be drying up. We “pounded the pavement” and no one had work … in fact, quite a few business owners told us that if we hear of anything and can pass something on to them, they’d be grateful. A lot of people moved out of the area. But we love it here and didn’t want to move … and quite frankly, couldn’t believe that there wasn’t something we could do to reduce our expenses and generate some income. It turns out there was a lot … it just took looking outside the box and not getting hung up on “I can’t” or “I don’t know how” … or “I have to have (a particular salary, work hours, etc.)”. My hubby is a great one for that … his attitude is simply that he can learn to do anything and if someone will take a chance on him, he’ll come through for them. His positive outlook and confidence did the trick … we opened up our business to include a lot of new things. We won’t ever give up the main business model, but we’ve added to it which helps us survive the tough times. Attitude is everything! Sometimes we just need to be willing to turn a situation upside down and look at it from different angles.
I love that quote! Congrats on the start of construction on your new home.
Thank you for the inspiring blog post!
What a great post.
Kudos to Fletcher for his (overall) good attitude! I find myself getting frustrated sometimes too. In those moments, I hear my inward critic spewing blame all over the place, until I make myself get a grip and figure out a positive, workable solution instead of wallowing in vague, misplaced crankiness. Funny you should have posted this–it’s very inspiring. I happen to be job searching at the moment. It’s not my forte–I’m good at bragging up anyone else but just freeze when it comes to writing a cover letter, never mind that that I used to write for a living.But today in the car I had an idea. Why not describe myself as if I was someone else looking at my on-the-job attributes? When I mentally did that, I thought of all kinds of things that could go in a cover letter without sounding braggy. It also made me feel more confident and upbeat in general.Congrats on raising such a great family, and on your new construction. You’re right, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. It’s way better than being stuck in helplessness. Thanks for the good reminder!
I can do
all things through Christ who strengthens me. That’s the perfect theme verse.
Miss Heather I am sorry to hear that your Mom has been diagnosed with cancer
that must be a hard trial. My Prayers are with you and your family.
I love the saying “Believe you can. Believe you can’t. Either way you’re right.” I will be sharing this with my teacher friends. We really need to help students understand this.
Always enjoy reading your blog. Very uplifting.
I’m so glad! Thanks for letting me know. 🙂
PJ
Dr told us our daughter will never leave hospital & that she will always be sick. She has been home for 6 years and is healed.
God restored our marriage about 17 years ago from an impossible situation, we are still together and more in love today than we were 28 years ago. We are believing for finances to be restored & a new house & there is no evidence that we should doubt it. Jesus said “If you believe all things are possible to him who believes.” Mark 9 & Mark 11:23 – 24.
Never accept I can’t, God has perfected the I can and moves in and through us and has given us amazing abilities, if we look to Him and give Him the due respect that He truly deserves, because He is always looking for ways to help and bless us, but if we don’t believe that He can, it’s totally our choice. If you believe you can you can, if you believe you can’t it’s not you can’t but that you woun’t.
That’s such a testimony to God’s work in your lives! Praise Him for it. 🙂 But you’re right, your attitude is very important!
PJ
With the school year starting, your blog was very inspirational. I am sure I will be sharing your quote throughout the year!!!
I hope it inspires lots of people! 🙂
PJ
This is fantastic!
I will definitely try to remember to use Jim’s saying with myself & my children 🙂
It helps (I use it on myself all the time!)
PJ
A timely post, PJ. I was so creative as a child and boldly forged ahead, believing aI could do anything. Gradually, I lost that. Now, in my late 30s, I’m trying to re-claim my creative self and to dream again. A gun-shy person definitely needs to practice saying, “I can!”
Can’t never did anything, but, Can Do did 🙂
Agreed!!
PJ
Can’t never did anything, but, Can Do did 🙂
I raised my daughter as a single mom to be ‘ strong’ ‘smart’ ‘independent’ she is now a Navy officer all on her own straight from high school with admittance test grades that had instant reaches from the guys upstairs.I applaud you ‘I can’t’ attitude’ joined with support for yours to show them the way.
What a great saying- “Believe you can, believe you can’t. Either way you’re right”. I will be sharing this one! Wanda Bennett
Glad to hear it!!
PJ
Sounds like good parenting, but I always asked my two boys do you think you can do it if I
help you? Sometimes they just want you to do it with them and it makes it more enjoyable.
Children should always be encouraged to try it by themselves but also know that there is help if they need it.
Nothing upsets me more than listening to a person list excuses about why they ‘can’t’.
Usually these excuses are completely valid but instead of seeing them as simply obstacles that can be overcome, these excuses become a cage that traps them.
You are so right in that when a person says ‘I can’t’…they’re usually saying ‘I COULD…but I don’t really care enough to make the effort to make it happen.’.
When I become a mom this is one of the lessons I want to teach my kid(s)…the difference between I can and I won’t.
I love that saying that your husband tells your kids. When my son gets older I will definitely going to tell him that saying.
It’s a good one to drill into their heads. 🙂
PJ
Love that saying!! Wish I had known that when my kids were little!
This struck me on so many levels. First as a mom of an “I can’t” child, who gives up very easily. And then when I realized I have become an “I can’t” person in many areas! Our challenge we are facing right now is the need for a larger home. We are crammed into a small two bedroom home with 4 children. I desire to add a finished basement for bedrooms, a bathroom and utility room. The dream is there, but I’m tempted to give up and despair, like my oldest child, who seems to take after me in so many ways. What will it take to make me believe we can? I think renewed faith in God as our provider—maybe keeping a log of all the ways He provides for us and blesses us daily and in the past. When I’m tempted to despair, I could read through it and be reminded of all the things God has helped us get through, and believe that He will also help us with this challenge as well.
Great post! Lately I find myself thinking “I can’t” when I’m faced with a teething child and financial issues, but I’ve been making myself think positive lately and it’s made such a difference!
The right attitude always makes things better. 🙂
Teething children can make EVERYTHING look so much worse than it actually is. I remember those days clearly. You will survive them!
PJ
Love that quote! Will try to remember that the next time I am handling a difficult situation.
I love the fact that you weren’t discouraged by that banker… and that you knew you didn’t want to work with someone who had a “you can’t” attitude.
What I have found in my life over the last several years is that if God is in the plan…or I guess i should say, If it is God’s plan and not just our own, then things work out in amazing ways. For example, in 2006, the company my husband worked for was relocating & we felt that it would be best for our family if we moved with the company rather than him have a long daily commute. Our realtor told us that we should expect our home to take a long time to sell, at least 6-9 months, because it was small, only had one bathroom and was in a flood zone. I vividly remember thinking, “but you don’t understand…this is God’s plan, not ours. it’s not gonna take that long.” Our house sold in 3 weeks. It was totally God. my only regret is that I wasn’t bold enough to tell the realtor my thoughts that day. If God is in it, anything is possible…even selling a small, one bath house in a flood zone 🙂
Kristina, that is an amazing story of perseverance and having the right attitude! What an awesome example you can share with your children and use to inspire them. Good for you!!
PJ
Thanks, Amy!! Can’t wait to move into it!
PJ
It’s a battle, but one you can (and need to) win!
PJ
It is a great saying, but you had the right attitude and that’s what is super important! Good for you!!
PJ
Thank you so much! That is such a worthy goal. I said a prayer that you make it! Let me know when you do!!
PJ
You’re right, it is a full time job. And it gets tiring, but the end result is too important to give up!
PJ
That’s what it takes. Sticking to your guns (without getting upset) so they know you mean business. You’re doing a great job!!
PJ
I’m so sorry to hear that, Heather. I said a prayer that she keeps a fighting attitude throughout the ordeal and that she comes out victorious. I also prayed for peace for you.
PJ
That’s such an important life lesson for her to have learned early on! Fear stops so many people from doing so many things. If she learns to not let it stop her, she’ll go far in life!!
PJ
I said a prayer for you for peace and strength and perseverance. It may not be easy, but the end result will be worth it!!
You may want to think taking some time off from “academics” and focusing on attitude and work ethic. If you can get on top of that, the academics are so much easier to tackle.
PJ
That’s a great attitude to have. I think that kind of attitude makes such a difference. When faced with the exact same circumstance, some people crumble and some people thrive. Hearing stories like yours gives me such encouragement!
PJ
Linette – that’s awful. We dealt with some horrible insurance companies when the tornado destroyed so much here in March. It’s terrible. Praise God she has you and your family to support her and stay with her. I said a prayer that things will work out in the end.
PJ
Thanks! Hoping it goes super quickly!!
PJ
you’re very welcome!!
PJ
I’m so glad the post helped! It’s amazing how we can get through the worst situations “easily” if we have a good attitude and how we can ruin even good situations with a bad attitude. I said a prayer that you find a job that’s perfect for you!
PJ
Thanks, Sue! The more people spreading that attitude and teaching it to the younger generation, the better!!
PJ
That’s wonderful! She reaped the benefits of your super parenting!
PJ
We have chores with the buddy system and chores that are independent. If I asked my children “do you think you can do it if I help you?” they’d never do anything by themselves. LOL Because it is always more fun with somebody else.
PJ
The really sad part is that once a person has that type of attitude, it is almost impossible to change and they are set up for a lifetime of underachieving. It makes me so sad. I’ve spent many years trying to help people with that attitude and finally realized they don’t really want to change.
PJ
Never too late. I use it on myself too. 😉
PJ
I said a prayer for you! It’s easy to lose patience and belief when things seem like they’ll never happen. But keep the faith. It’s taken almost two years for us to get through all the red tape and start to build our new soap room. There were times I felt like giving up, but it’s finally becoming a reality.
I do have a suggestion for you. My boys (all 5 of them) spent several years in their small bedroom with no beds. They slept on the floor in sleeping bags. They absolutely loved it. They had tons of room to play. It’s just a thought, but it worked really, really well for us.
I also turned an unfinished basement once into the best playroom ever. I recovered a 10×12 area rug and surrounded it with toy bins and whatever I could scavenge. It got all the toys out of the rest of the house and worked great. If you don’t have the money to finish the basement, those ideas may buy you some time.
We also are surviving right now (and for the past 8 years) with 2 bathrooms for the 10 of us. It’s tight and there is often a line, but it works.
Keep smiling!
PJ
That quote always helps to get my head on right if I’m struggling with a bad attitude!
PJ
I love stories like that. We’ve seen God work in our lives like that so many times. It really helps to put things into perspective. The whole time we’ve had trouble building the new soap room, I just keep telling myself (and the children), God has a reason and we may never know it, but this delay is what is best for us. 🙂
PJ
Hi Christa, It think it’s so sad that so many of us lose that can-do attitude we had as children. I said a prayer that you recapture that belief!!
PJ